Vanna White knows best (maybe just first)

something I wrote in high school but never fails to be be relevant

I never felt like a woman. A woman shaped thing, an alien zipped in a woman disguise, but an imposter nonetheless. Real women just are, naturally, normally, and authentically, but I lived inside a woman’s body. it’s impossible (easy actually) to wish to associate with womanhood when it continues to be defined as a list of measurements: your hips, your waist, your bust, how wide your jaw opens, but more importantly how well it stays closed.

I paraded her around- the woman I lived inside- but is parade the right word? All I did was go to school and the grocery store and volleyball practice, yet some how existence was provocative.

It’s complicated living inside a woman’s body

vanna white knew it first.

Sometimes I think I exist just to smile and point. That’s what it feels like at least when you live in a woman’s body. It’s complicated too, not realizing the implications in the way you exist, the implications in your posture and smile and glare. The implications defined by a list of measurements: your height, your inseam, how convincingly you cry on a scale from 1 to 10, the volume of your hair, the volume of your tears.

When men walk by me they blink a little slower. one time I asked a man why they do this and he told me it was for a clearer image in their mind of the way my tits (theoretically) bounce when I’m fucking. I asked another the same question and he said god no, it’s to think- no, to determine which position you would look the best in fucking you (it takes a lot of focus you know). It’s doggy by the way, and that’s not to say you don’t have a nice face, it’s just that an ass like yours is rare. I told him I didn’t know he looked at my ass and he said he didn’t, it was just something he heard from the baseball team. I said he was full of shit but he didn’t want to hear it so he closed his eyes.

Would people still like wheel of fortune without vanna white? of course they would. Maybe it would be a little better if they tuned in just for her but instead she’s a bribe, not even the main event. She intensifies the watching experience because if you can live vicariously through enormous victories of wealth, you can live vicariously through the panels her hand brushes over and the push up bra you wish was you.

When I was 13 my job in school was to stand at the front of the classroom and point at a map of the united states, quizzing my classmates on the capitols. Vanna. The boys loved to call me that. Because you point and so does she, they said. I believed it.

until I found the playboy section in a vintage magazine store.